Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour

:iconxaldinwinddude: More from xaldinwinddude

More from deviantART


Submitted on
April 10, 2010
File Size
1.0 KB


21 (who?)
Ember Mclain
A feminine fatal, with challenging eyes,
Wanted to be, with all her heart, a star.
She dreamed, each night, of the screams of fans
As she'd play her heart out to that imaginary audience.

Her dreams were cut short, very.
On the day she played for the first time,
Her strings of her guitar in perfect harmony
An unfortunate accident befell the girl.

Death found its way into this child,
Took hold of her heart and stopped it.
As her spirit left her body,
Her soul screamed in furry.

Her desire had been ripped from her,
And she blamed the world.
Swearing and cursing, she refused to pass on,
And instead, remained as a specter of this world.

She was allowed to keep her guitar,
Her one treasured momentum of her shortened life.
Holding it up into the sky, she vowed
"They will remember my name…."
Another poem for nycterent's journal prompt. [link]

Its for a collection i found on deviant art of Ember Mclain. Some of you may know her as "Ember" [link] from the tv series Danny Fantom (which was incredible).

Its free verse, and a decent poem....but i dont feel like i did it justice as far as flowing words and dramatic description.
Add a Comment:
I feel her pain T_T the sting is still there. You rock Ember. I know I will remember your name.
FairyGal11 May 31, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
So touching. I can relate to her-though I think she gave up her life when she lost the love of her life. Though me and him are friends now I will not forget the pain within the heart.
some people aren't able to make ammends like that. You my freind are lucky. Its true though; we can always feel the "ping" of pain from moments like that :(
FairyGal11 May 31, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Awww I'm glad you understand. So tell me you a big fan of Danny Phantom
I have no idea what Danny Phantom is, but I do know you might want to fix the line "her soul screamed in furry", because I got there and couldn't stop laughing. I don't think that was the intended effect.

You've got the start of an interesting story. The problem is that you have a lot of bland, boring descriptions (wanted to be, with all her heart, a star? That's the best you can do?) and very little spice in them. Give me some metaphors! Some imagery! Something!
fair enough. Truthfully, i dont mind the helpful critizism, but I sort of just threw this together one night for fun.

It is bland and short though, huh?
IAmPhoenixMoth Apr 16, 2010
Danny Phantom was so not incredible, rofl.

"Her dreams were cut short, very." -- that bothers me. something about the "very" being at the end of the sentence.

I sort of feel like you could work on this a lot more, but I can't find words for what I'm trying to suggest that you work on (a writer out of words. I fail.) so i'll see if someone else would want to suggest anything.
it so was incredible! lol, he was a ghost!
IAmPhoenixMoth Apr 17, 2010
I've seen the show. It was dumb. But I liked it.
Add a Comment: